If someone says you’re “blind as a bat,” that person is rude and you should slap them…they’re also wrong–call them stupid. The fruit bat has excellent sight, but its most distinctive feature is its wings. Like other bats, the wings of a fruit bat serve as long, webbed fingers. Fruit bats are excellent fliers, but have a lot of trouble landing and walking; they crash into bushes and trees, disturbing other bats, and causing fights. Fruit bats are the drunk rednecks of the animal kingdom.

Fruit bats live in huge bat colonies (terrifying) in the dense forest areas of Africa, Asia, Europe and Australia. They are nocturnal, hanging upside down and sleeping most of the day (because they go out drinking every night).

Fruit Bats rely on their wings for flying and air conditioning. When it gets too warm, fruit bats simulate sweating by licking their breasts, wings and stomachs until it appears that they are covered in perspiration (much like drunk college girls you see on late night dvd advertisements). Then, they will flap their wings creating a lovely breeze against their bodies.

Fruit bats spend much of their time upside down in trees, caves, or under bridges (like drunk homeless people)… they even give BIRTH while hanging upside down (I don’t think that’s drunk behavior…that’s just trashy). Immediately after giving birth, the mother will catch the baby in her wing and feed it on milk from her teats…which are located in her armpits (hahahaha, gross. I can’t make this stuff up people). After a while, the mother will wean the baby off of her milk and introduce the adult diet of fruit and flowers. How hard would your mother have to try and convince you to stop drinking milk from her armpits–her armpit that she licks to keep cool. She wouldn’t have to work that hard to get me to kick that habit. “No thanks, Mom. I’ll stick with the armpit milk and pass on the fruit and flowers.”

Fruit bats, the largest of the bat species, are extremely helpful animals (friendly drunks). Many consider Fruit Bats to be a pest, but they are super important; a lot of the fruits and vegetables we enjoy would not exist without their help. Fruit Bats eat tons of fruit…and you know what they say about fruit and its…cough…digestive benefits. Fruit Bats disperse the seeds (poop them out) and pollinate plants. Fruit Bats, you drunken crazy-pants…thanks for the mango!